Boundaries that Heal and Unite: How to Stop Abandoning Yourself

When we think of boundaries, there’s a sense of pushing someone or something away, so we can find our peace. We need boundaries to create space and time for ourselves without being tested every minute. But it’s important to examine the deeper dimensions of our boundaries so instead of retaining our pain and hurt, they can actually heal us and unite us with others.  Here are a few things you can begin to dig deep into that can help you set boundaries that actually heal and unite you with others.

Examine Your Intention

It’s our basic human need to create safely and protection for our body, mind and soul and anyone who threatens that warrants some boundaries. The intention is seldom to be cold or distant even though that may be the experience of others.

The world is you pushed out and it simply mirrors your deeper experience of yourself whether you are conscious of it or not. So, this beckons the question: Why do you feel your safety is threatened?

When you feel fearful, angry or hostile towards others, shutting them out initially can protect your peace. But if you never really look deeply into your fear, anger or resentment, these feelings are going to surface in your interactions with others; so eventually you end up creating a bigger and bigger wall around you from the fear of being hurt again and the result is isolation. We don’t heal in isolation; we heal in relationship with others.

Until we heal, our boundaries only create more of the same pain and hurt that we are trying to protect ourselves from.

The work is to heal the deeper wounds so the boundaries result as a natural consequence of you being different rather than what your fear dictates.

Cultivate Self-Love

Let’s understand what Self-Love is.

Going inward towards your soul to know your true essence and connecting with parts of yourself that you may have abandoned is the process of deep healing that not only expands you but fills your heart with love, recognition, validation that you have been seeking from others. You move towards wholeness; you begin to feel kindness and compassion towards yourself. You soften, you expand, you feel deeply, you heal.

This connection to yourself is seeing yourself like never before. Coincidentally, it makes other people more visible to you; you begin to see their humanness. Compassion replaces the judgment you had been carrying; love rises where once there was fear. You see others as you. It’s this process that heals you and others around you; those you viewed as a threat to your peace may just become part of your tribe.

Start loving yourself this way. When you live in fear, you create deep isolation and loneliness in the world. You become divided and this erodes the very fabric of society you wish to see changed. There are no enemies out there, the world is you pushed out. Befriend the enemy within and the whole world will become a friendlier, a more inclusive place. How’s that for greater aspiration?

Cultivating self-love, self-acceptance is the foundation of boundaries that heal and unite. Here, we engage more in conversations and less in confrontations. We lean towards acceptance and refrain from judgement.

We need to become real. We need to become human. We must open our hearts and allow the world to see it.

Create love-based boundaries so they are not punishment for you and for others rather are permission for you to live in alignment and for others to meet you there. More you love yourself, more freedom, lightness and peace you create in your daily life, the more the world around you becomes magnetized to you. This is how we bring the world together and that’s the point.

Stop the Martyrdom

Self-Abandonment! We all do it. The question is why we are so gravitated towards overdoing only to end up resentful and depleted.

Perhaps that’s what we were taught – do more, be more, give more. But no one taught us what to do with resentment, exhaustion, or being victimized. We were taught that coping is the way of life; mastering survival is the end game. It’s no wonder so many women have become martyrs and masters at coping and surviving and then wonder how ill health came about. The once upon applaud we got at being super women is nowhere to be found when we need it the most.

So, what’s underneath all that over-doing? It’s your desire to be seen, to be heard, to be validated, and to be acknowledged. Decades of this and the desire remains – unfulfilled. Hence the obvious realization and the lesson that it’s you who needs to see you and validate you not anyone else. But without the courage to speak up, to take a stand for ourselves, to be honest and clear about what you want only leads to setting the boundaries that isolate and hurt you even more.

Why are we driven to over-do? It’s our old friend: lack of self-worth. The very reason we need boundaries is because we have allowed too much and done too much. But often, we overdo in the hope that someone will finally see us, appreciate us, and reward us with recognition. Beneath that desire is the deeper need for approval. When we begin to truly see ourselves and recognize our worth, we no longer need to prove anything to anyone. We realize we don’t have to go overboard to earn love or respect. Who we are, not what we do, is what matters. When we live from a place of self-love and value, others take notice.

What do you truly want? What’s coming in the way of you asking for it? That’s the work of getting clear, gaining confidence, trusting in yourself, and finding your voice.

The Ultimate Path of Becoming

In my opinion, our greatest task on this planet is to evolve and grow through this dynamic process of becoming. On this process of continuous change, you become different, your energy changes and that which is not in alignment with you naturally falls of. There is no struggle – you keep shining your light and illuminating the world around you. That’s the point.

But many often think of boundaries as rigid and permanent, like a line in the sand, leaving no room for adjustment, conversation, and growth. We create a hierarchy amongst our own kind rendering ourselves to be at the top and others beneath us and taking pride and pleasure in separating ourselves from “those”.  There is no “them; there is only “us”. Remember the point is unity not separation; the point is love not hatred.

It’s not your job to teach anyone lessons; it’s your job to learn the lessons yourself. Noone is better than another; we are all on our own journey and learning the lessons we need in the way we need them.

Real boundaries expand, unite and radiate love to the world. Think of leaders like the Dalai Lama, whose self-love and compassion ripple out to millions. Imagine if we bring a fragment of Dalai Lama into our own living, how the world may change.

Boundaries born out of love unite, expand, and help us flourish. They create both separation and togetherness at the same time. What if you thought of boundaries as bridges that allowed you  to show up with integrity, confidence, respect for yourself and others?

This is the deeper work I do inside my Root Healing Method™—helping women like you stop coping and start living, by healing the patterns that keep them stuck at the root. Schedule a call with me here